The more that you have insight into your motives and personality, the better you will cope, make good decisions, live an authentic life, and understand what is driving other people. You may find that you struggle with finding that balance between seeing only the best (or the worst) in yourself or in others. You want to be as honest (and affirming) as you can be as you delve into understanding your deeper motives.

What Are Your Personality Tendencies?

There are parts of your personality you probably understand quite well. However, we all have blind spots. Therefore, if you know where those blind spots tend to be, you are less likely to be “blindsided” by your own behavior or by someone else’s actions. You can improve your understanding of yourself, your motives, and the motives of others. This is part of emotional intelligence.

Here are some questions to ask yourself to build your awareness of the tendencies and attitudes that drive your personality:

1. What are my 5 greatest strengths as a person? (Have a friend help you if you get stuck on this one.)
2. Do I prefer being the leader? Follower? Taking care of others? Fitting in?
3. How well do I shift gears according to the situation? Do I tend to stay stuck in one mode of connecting with others? (Check out my quiz on “Healthy Personal Boundaries” if you aren’t sure.)
4. Am I more prone to anger or guilt?
5. Am I prone to give in too much or insist I’m right too often?
6. Do I tend to be too hard on myself? On others?
7. Do I tend to make excuses for myself? For others?

As you think about these tendencies, you can begin to see which way your personality leans. We all need to work on ourselves to find balance, but we have to admit there is an issue before we can change it!

Background and Motives

The way you were raised has a powerful influence on your personality and motives. Maybe you have underestimated the impact that your family experiences have had on your personality! If you grew up with a lot of fear or frustration, you may have even made vows like “I will never……” about different things that you don’t want to ever happen again. Or, you may be sensitive to feeling controlled, helpless, rejected, or disrespected. Here are some areas to consider:

8. What family experiences might have shaped my tendencies (that I noted in questions 1—7)?

9. What example did I get from my mom or dad on how to handle relationships? Conflict? Emotions? Did I copy those examples or go to the opposite extreme of my family?

10. How did I get my sense of value, connection, or worth as a younger person? How hard was it to get my needs met?

Patterns of Conflict

Another way to improve your understanding of yourself (and others) is to consider what repeated problems or issues you have had in the course of your adult life. For example, if you give in too much in order to avoid rejection and to get love, then you are likely to get taken advantage of on a regular basis.

11. What patterns do you tend to notice that have been a problem in your close relationships?

12. What input have you gotten from friends about those tendencies that cause you trouble?

13. Think about what prevents you from using that input from friends to find better balance. This will give you insight into what drives your personality!

Other Strategies to Increase Your Self- Understanding

Here are some practical ways that you can improve your insight into your motives and personality.

• Pray and ask God to help you understand yourself better. This will work the best if you fold this prayer into some time of daily Bible reading (Hebrews 4:12, Psalm 139:23-24).
• Ask God to help you see your strengths as well as your flaws. God loves you and He can help you change the things you don’t like.
• Accept yourself as a valuable person. Release yourself from guilt and shame. God is not holding you responsible for sins you have confessed (Romans 8:1). God knows we need His help and He is eager to help you move forward.
• Build your self-confidence so that you can accept yourself, work on your weak spots, and build connections with people who value you!

Resources

If you have significant trouble feeling connected to God, or if you have a lot of emotional experiences that block you from moving forward, you might want to check out one of these books. The subject of inner vows is addressed in the “Life Without Baggage” workbook.